Okay, okay. Due to popular demand, I've done some more scanning from the unquenchable source of wisdom that it On Becoming a Woman. Hop over to this post to find out what the heck I'm talking about and read previous snippets.
There's nothing quite as gobsmacking here as some of the suggestions the good doctor made in the first scans, but nevertheless, some of it is quite astounding in its bizarreness. Pay particular attention to the pictures. I'm really not sure what the publisher was thinking.
Okay, the whole "you don't know what your future will hold but it will involve a house, a husband and 2.4 children" is pretty funny, but I'm personally more amused by his assertion that all teenagers are mentally alert and able to think clearly. Dude, hormones.
There are perfectly sensible and well-adjusted teenagers out there. Assuming that this is a universal thing? Is only going to bring you disappointment.
And speaking of sensible and well adjusted teens, here's an image you should all aspire to!
Next we skip to the "where babies come from" chapter. More specifically, childbirth.
Released to the outside world? "Fly, baby! Be freeee!" *splat*
"Remember: childbirth is a normal process, and the mother soon forgets the discomfort by transferring it to the father in the form of copious amounts of swearing and savage kicks to the groinal region."
The really sad thing about this whole tome is that occasionally, squished in between the insanity, there's actually some good advice tucked away. Like this bit, which is just a slightly more subtle way of saying "don't fall for a use 'em and lose 'em type":
And then you go on to things like this, and it all falls apart again. Here's four pages on dating, and more specifically, how to keep from jumping each other in a raging pit of hormones.
So basically, the best way to resist having sex with someone is to conduct your entire love affair in large crowds while talking about the weather. Sound advice, though I suspect that this would merely encourage some people.
More seriously, I have some severe doubts about how much of a relationship you can have while completely avoiding talking about anything personal. "Oh, I just know we're suited to each other. He likes rainy days and so do I! We have so much in common!"
Now, here's another bit where I thought he might be onto something. It's a little bit about peer pressure.
Then I read what his solution was. Stand up for yourself? Try to bring your friends around? Set limits?
Nope. Give up and find new friends who are exactly like you! Screw diversity! People can only be friends when they think and act alike!
And of course, if no one in the neighbourhood is good enough for you? Look forward to a life of solitude, or just get the hell outta there.
Of course, he backpedals ever so slightly at the end of the chapter, right?
Well okay, not really.
Lastly, a few pictures. Like this one, involving wholesome semi-naked activities.
And finally, what I personally consider to be the scariest picture in the whole book.
And to finish things off, remember, follow Harold's advice and one day you too can have your very own special glowing house!
I'm so in!